Thursday, May 12, 2005
X had always been in the midst of searching for his identity... who he really was supposed to be, what made him 'X'. it was a common problem many people faced.
X supposed that things were'nt made any easier by the different roles he played in life, and how people perceived him. to his siblings, X was the older brother. to his mum, X was the child that almost never was. to his friends... well, X wasn't even sure frankly. he only knew that he was different with different groups of friends. different in the way he acted, way he talked. basically, with different people, X was a different person. and that posed problems when searching for his identity.
X had often wondered if the behaviour he displayed with different groups of friends / people was just the same guy putting on many different masks at different times, and wondered if it really was all a big lie, that these people didn't quite know him for who he truly was... but looking back, he realised that all these separate 'personalities' he had in different scenarios still were parts of the boy known to others as X.
despite these differences in behaviour of the different persona he posessed, there were some things that all of them had in common... things like his sense of humour, his ability in writing, his constant desire to remain in the background (while also wishing that people would take notice of him. it's a complicated thing).
one thing he just couldn't shake off was the fact that no one quite saw the whole picture of who he was (himself included). true, they knew the story - who he is, what his life is like.... but how much of him did they really know? was it because they weren't exposed to the other areas, or was it because he just felt that certain groups only needed to know certain things? was it just him, or was everyone like that as well?
at the end of the day, when all was said and done... what would they say at X's funeral? different people might say different things, only because those were the parts of X that they had known. and perhaps these different ideas of who X was would come into conflict. and everyone would eventually realise then (like X did now), that perhaps they did not quite know the real X that they thought they did...
11:07 PM
