Sunday, February 26, 2006
Ever wondered what your purpose was? wondered what your life was for? well, that's a question that bugged X a lot. X was (and still is) a christian. part of a youth ministry in a small church somewhere out there. its been a long time, and well, he isn't going to be a 'youth' much longer.
Its funny though how everyone seems to think that X is spiritually mature (or more spiritually mature than he himself considers). He's been asked to help in different areas, to do different things (the most frightening thing of all in his opinion is being a leader). And he knows people ask because they have a certain perception. a certain expectation. maybe its his fault he projects himself as such (then again that isn't necessarily true, since what you project and what you intend to project may not be exactly the same).
And all this time he wonders to himself, "they think i'm such-and-such a person. but am i really?" because even though God is real to X, and X knows quite a bit about God, he's embarrassed to admit that perhaps he's not as good as everyone thinks he is (and its not a matter of being modest). X could never quite understand it. the fact that unlike everyone else who had a more personal kind of relationship with God, well X just didn't quite get it. and being what he is, he blames himself for not doing enough, not trying enough (and God knows he hasn't tried as hard as he should have).
maybe it had something to do with this perpetual mindset X had - the fact that he was "someone else's miracle". the fact that he is where he is now is someone else's testimony (his mum's to be exact). He feels that his life is a blessing that someone else had (which isn't necessarily a bad thing), something that strengthened someone else's belief. He was what gave someone else what many consider their "encounter" with God. but frankly, X has never had one himself. people tell him it doesn't have to happen. but he can't help but wonder (like many others) whether you need an encounter to be sure.
Even with all these crazy thoughts in his head, X also knows that in the world out there God's "got his back". and he's grateful for it. and ashamedly he admits that well, sometimes he doubts whether he really does believe (but doesn't everyone at some point?). Wonders that does he deserve what he has been blessed with, and is he living the way he's supposed to (though X highly suspects that isn't the case).
I guess whatever the circumstances, whatever they may be, X is just one thing: grateful.
5:20 AM
