Friday, May 27, 2005
it was common knowledge to most of X's friends that he was never on good terms with his dad. in fact they never had anything resembling a relationship (in X's opinion anyway), or what a father-son relationship was supposed to be like anyway.
For a long time X wished that X had someone else as his dad. he envied his friends who had (in comparison to himself) better dads. dads who were involved in what their children were doing, dads who CARED. not some person who didn't care what X and his siblings were up to, sometimes even forgetting what year they were in school (strange but true).
All these things, combined with the way that his dad generally treated X (read: bad), it perhaps was no wonder that to the shock of some, X hated his dad. till this day, he still does to a certain extent, but it wasn't as bad as before. mainly it was because of something that X learnt along the way in the journey in life - "You are still your father's son. you always have been and always will be. till he disowns you anyway."
you are still your father's son. that really hit X. hard. initially it was rejection. of the whole idea because it was something it was something X had never wanted to hear (though a small part of him knew it to be true). so X did what any normal person would have done. he got ANGRY. angry with the friend who had told him that. angry with God for giving him such a lousy father. angry at himself for being bonded to his father by blood. and secretly, he wished that his dad would indeed disown him. then he would be free. but he knew that would not be true. bondage by blood was something permanent.
X has finally managed to deal (somewhat) with the hatred. he still kind of hates his dad, but now has the realisation that well... he can't do anything about it. he will try to stop the hating (or try to anyway). but he swears to himself he will not FORGET. so that if by some chance he becomes a father (though he views this highly unlikely), the same thing won't happen again.
there's a reason why there's a saying called 'generational curse' and 'sins of the fathers affect the sons (or something like that)'. X knows he must never forget. so that the generational curse can be stopped. A wise man once told X, "you are what you are because of your parents. and your children will be what they are because of you." sums up generational curses nicely doesn't it?
3:41 AM
